Life Lately.

I have been struggling. And I haven’t gotten down dirty with that thought because people are STRUGGLING. LIKE really struggling. Dying. I get it.

The things that brought me joy in early quarantine, things I relished in, thrived on and appreciated don’t do that for me anymore. And I am standing here with just a ‘meh’ feeling - I want to grow my career, I want to become a better friend, I want to work on my patience but it all seems so so so daunting.

I don’t journal. This is my journal. This are my real thoughts. My outlet. My therapy.

When we moved one time (I’ve blocked it out), I went to pack my journals (probably 20 of them from my consistent love of writing) and there, on one of the pages, feverishly scribbled among the love letters to the boys I wanted to ‘marry’ and the daily happenings of high school, were the letters scribbled ‘I HATE HER’.

I immediately threw them all away. I had given up long before about the idea of a real ‘mom’ and so seeing those words triggered something. I felt something sour, something not welcome, something unsafe inside of me, so I threw them ALL away.

I stopped talking to my mom 16 years ago next month. And she still does reach out, yes from time to time - asking for something or other and it doesn’t ‘effect’ me. I don’t know if I ever really felt a connection to her…? I have been the adult for as long as I can remember.

Disappointing others is my ultimate failure. Whether that is personally, professionally, or if it’s as simple as not liking a sentence within my work. I may look all tough and stuff, but I am, indeed, not even close.

This has been related to my childhood by my therapist more times than not - I was always trying to get my mother to change her ways, and I was never ‘good enough’ for her to do that.

I am good enough. But I will always struggle with that feeling. It has sneaked into relationships, business, friendships and most recently, mother hood.

I am in FULL purging mode this week. Material items among negative thoughts. Purge, baby. I haven’t felt like myself in at least two weeks and today is different. I knew deep down 2021 wasn’t going to be a flipped switch and everything is ok again. But the reality of it felt more than heavy and I just have been off. And that is scary to admit - the second you say something is wrong right now, it is now related to a super scary virus. When really we are all just trying to survive - physical health, mental health…how are we to make it work? And how do we communicate authentically and without judgement?

The Papp family is planning some big changes this year and as much as I am SO ready, I don’t want another 2020, where we all wished for the new year to come. Annabelle is rapidly growing and I see such incredible change every single day. I don’t want to ever look back and wish I would have been more present and not thinking of the ‘what’s next'. You know?

If you’re struggling with anything: drifting thoughts, mental stability, what to make for dinner…I am always here to listen and offer up a good motivational quote.

xx