hope is dope

This Mother's Day was harder than most. I'm getting to a point in my life where, the holiday doesn't mean much since I haven't spoken to my mom in 12 years. Yes, I have a loving, supportive mother in law and I'm surrounded by fearless friends who are the best mamas. Then, the obvious Mother's Day propaganda is out there so it's not like I don't know the holiday is coming - it's just not given thought to really. Meh, ya know?

I have been feeling great lately. It's my favorite time of year, work is going well, my social life is so lovely... but last week, towards the end of the work week, I was looking forward to Friday night. Andrew had a poker game with friends and instead of me making plans myself, I created an agenda of Thai food, crap tv and a 'good cry'.  Sometimes you just need it.

I would have been 5 months along this week and been able to properly celebrate Mother's Day like a 'normal' family. With something to look forward to. And unfortunately those negative thoughts were pretty forefront leading up to Sunday and it just made me sad. And along with those thoughts, in my head I'm asking myself if I am a dramatic masochist? Like I couldn't exactly hone in on why I was feeling emotional but I felt like I could help it. But I didn't know how.

I received a couple sweet messages and prayers that day, making me cry and then after the tears, I felt lighter. Something just seemed to click. And I felt better.

I have hope that one day I will have a little human to make me a mama. But the lesson I took away from this weekend is that I need to be present in today. It's going to happen when it's supposed to happen. I have to continue to believe that with hope, trust and faith.