this miscarriage sh*t is hard.

There are many steps in the grieving process, right?  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I think I am in the thick of it right now - sitting right on that middle ground.  I have days where I feel like I have it all figured out and I am making sound decisions and trusting God's plan, and that this all happened for a reason and then within minutes my brain can shift and I am in dark moments, tears streaming down my face.  It stings when I see anyone pregnant.  Like, I lost it when I heard that Whitney Port (from The Hills, yes) was pregnant. I see her downtown all the time - how is she pregnant?  Did she want to be pregnant?  Were they trying to get pregnant?  Why do I CARE?  I mean, it's just ridiculous.  

At this point, I would be entering my fourth month - and as I write that I say to myself 'how ridiculous am I?  I could have lost the baby at this point and not as early as I did and I would have felt so much worse, right?' I can turn like a switch.  Is this normal?  

I am just sad.  I have such hard days, such hard seconds.  I think of the four month mile stones - the baby has finger nails, a pronounced nose, can suck it's thumb.  Ugh and those DAMN 'what to expect when you're expecting' emails!  I swear I have unsubscribed twice.  HOW do they find their way into my inbox?  

And then the guilt sets in.  When I see a cute video of my friend's baby or an expectant momma showing her belly and I get envious.  We weren't planning this so how is it fair for me to be envious?

I am SO incredibly happy for the women in my life who have children, or are with child or are trying etc.  But I wish I could share in their joy - that's all!  That's ALL!  I look at their babes and I just want mine to grow up with them.  I want to experience the pregnant feelings and emotions and obstacles with someone.  

So, as I wallow in self pity and sadness today, I know that tomorrow will be better.  Or maybe even a half hour from now will be better.  I just have to remember that.