365

You know you can't keep the ground from shaking, no matter how hard you try,
You can't keep the sunsets from fading, you gotta treat your love like
You're jumping off a rope swing maybe 'cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there's no such thing as a broken heart - Old Dominion

That song got me through a lot this year. Because listen (read it!) to it again…

2018, for me, was learning to let go of control i.e. Lesson 1. Andrew and I started on the fertility drug journey early this year and it worked (!) second round with use of a dreadful (but oh so useful) drug, Clomid. But, then we suffered another another loss. Two miscarriages in less than 12 months was rough, to say the very least. I handled this one very differently. I was very angry, less sad and determined to not lose myself in the pain again. I walked into a meeting with bloodshot eyes just 20 minutes after hearing the baby had no heartbeat.

So, here is lesson 2 for 2018, It (whatever that may be!) is going to be there tomorrow, so take time for yourself today if you need it. You matter. You deserve it. And in this sense, I deserved to rest, and I didn’t and that’s ok NOW, but I should have then.

I also learned, people cannot read your mind - so don’t expect them to. They too may be in the ‘I’m looking out for myself phase’ and that’s great (hello, I just recommended that) but find even one person to talk with in loss or suffering or pain….otherwise, it’s lonely and you won’t get out alive!

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE YA’LL - I got to travel to some amazing lands this year, Puerto Vallarta for beachside nuptials, serious snowfall in Park City, Columbia and Argentina for some sister adventure time, Cabo for some (unbeknownst to us) baby making time and one last pre baby hurrah in Europe where we checked of Poland, The Amalfi Coast and Croatia off our bucket list. In conclusion here, another thing I learned is that you should TAKE THAT TRIP. It frees you, it gives you life, it enhances your current one and it is inspiring for whatever you take it for.

Back to my boys from OD above, Control. You can’t control the prettiest sunset setting, and life really is just a shot in the dark. I believe there is a bigger plan…I do. But YOU don’t know it. So take your good, bad, terrible and heart wrenching experiences in stride. And enjoy the adventure.

Lastly, you have to continue to love: yourself, your husband, your family, your friends - like you aren’t heartbroken. They are your people and they are there for you.

Another 365 days around the sun, and I am very much looking forward to the next 365.