day 118: reflections on purging

Like most style loving women, the phrase I have nothing to wear comes up rather often. I have nothing to wear to this wedding, or nothing to wear to a big meeting etc etc. We have all said it!

We are in quarantine, day 4978 and I don’t NEED anything to wear. So may it be that I am ‘stuck’ indoors with no need to get dressed or may it be that I am ‘stuck’ indoors and becoming very familiar with all my closets, possessions and valuables. So naturally, everyone is purging and cleaning and organizing and becoming comfortable with needing ‘less’ and focusing on all the important things in life.

And of course I am too BUT I had a big revelation last week:

I have a hard time purging. And that’s clothing, that’s books, thats Annabelle’s baby clothes. The thought came to me when I was tidying up a closet and thought it was time to get rid of some books. I have ALWAYS been a collector of books - I think they tell a story of certain points in your life and what you were passionate about. I think they are gorgeous decoration. I think they are great collector pieces - and I am a sucker for finding an old picture or bookmark tucked away years later.

BUT. They take up a crap ton of space and I may not like to purge, but I also do NOT like clutter. So with this exercise, I would pick up a book and be transformed to what pool I was reading it by, or how much I recommended another to friends. And I couldn’t do it - I just got all mushy and decided I wasn’t ready to part with these pieces of me.

And then I started thinking more to other aspects of myself and how purging is kinda hard on me in general.

AND THEN….I had a very vivid memory from high school - clothes were my L I F E, there wasn’t even much time left for boys, I mean a good outfit was everything. I worked REALLY hard for what I had.

I came home from work one day to find an entire chunk of my closet gone. Completely empty. I’m talking, like a lot.

My mom had a drug deal go on in the house and while she was taking care of her ‘priorities’ - the daughters of the drug dealer, helped themselves to my closet. I was heartbroken. And yes, heartbroken may seem dramatic but I worked full time in high school to pay some of my mother’s bills and feed my Wet Seal addiction.

I still can remember a lot of what was gone from my closet that day. And there was no way to replace it. I literally cried my eyes out and begged my mom to call the police and get my clothes back but naturally, she couldn’t call the police since well, she her behavior wasn’t exactly legal! HA!

So, to circle back to my point. I think I have a hard time purging because I feel a sense of loss from my past. I feel like if I get rid of ‘it’, maybe I wont have the means to get ‘it’ again. It’s not about letting go per say, it’s about the fear of the past.

And I am ok with this…I am ok with not purging. I am never going to be an extremist and be all ‘cluttery’ but I think it’s ok right now to hold on to a little extra for my sanity and well being. Quarantine, pandemics and the intensity of 2020, is quite enough if you ask me.

No shopping 2020 is still allowing me to learn a lot more about myself than I even realized I would.

Thanks for listening. xo